Mothers

This was sent to me as an email forward. I thought it was too true and should be shared.

Real Mothers don’t eat quiche,
they don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils
are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors,
filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried play dough
doesn't come out of carpets.

Real Mothers don't want to know what
the vacuum just sucked up.

Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?'
and get their answer when a little
voice says, 'Because I love you best.'

Real Mothers know that a child's growth
is not measured by height or years or grade...
It is marked by the progression of Mommy to Mom to Mother...

Elf Yourself

I strongly encourage all moms out there to take an hour of your time and create some stress reducing media for your family. Even though I'm sleep deprived, and caring for my third baby, I took some time out to really capture the Christmas spirit and I was happy I did. The end result is to be cherished time and time again. Check it out and then make your own! Your family will thank you.

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

The Perfect Nap

A week after giving birth to my third child, I decided I was due for a nap. The adrenaline and newness of everything was wearing off and I was exhausted. I checked my calendar and decided a particular Tuesday would be the perfect time to take my nap. My Mother in Law would be visiting to tend to my toddler and my husband would be working from home to intercept any inevitable interruptions.
When my scheduled nap time approached I made sure everything was ready. The baby was well fed, my toddler had plenty to do. I hadn't had any caffeine all morning. I was ready for a good 2 hours of sleep. It was perfect. I crept into bed and quickly drifted off to sleep.
Rewind my story to three years ago when we looked at our house while house shopping. We noticed a large field behind our house that was connected to the nearby high school by a small path. We asked the existing home owners if much noise came from that field. The woman lied and said, "not at all." After purchasing the house we were shocked that following August when the High School Marching Band started using that field sporadically for practice. Since then we've spent thousands of dollars upgrading the windows on the back side of our house to try to block out some of the noise.
Back to my nap, you've guessed it. About 20 minutes after I fell asleep, just long enough to really be out of it, the band started up. Not the whole band, mind you, only the percussion section. I jumped awake and stumbled downstairs to tired to even cry.
Next time I'll have to remember to cross reference my calendar with the practice schedule of the band to choose my nap time.

The Diffference Between Your First Baby and Third

I've just had my third baby and have noticed some major differences in how I've planned and cared for my first and third baby. Of course, my second fell somewhere in between these.

Shopping for furniture, swings, bouncers etc.

• First baby - buy top of the line furniture and accessories. You own every invention know to man to make having a baby easier by 20 weeks of your pregnancy.
• Third baby - you start to beg, borrow and steal any vital items (crib) three days before your due date.

Diaper Bag

• First baby - you choose the most beautiful bag and have it stocked with diapers, a change of clothing, first aid kit, changing pad, tissues, wipes, etc. long before baby arrives or has any use for it.
  
• Third baby - you grab a bag the morning of baby's one week check up and throw anything into it you see. Realizing once you get to the Dr.s office you don't have wipes.
  

Clothing

• First baby - clothes are all washed with tags removed weeks before baby comes. Of course you only use Dreft detergent.
• Third baby - you rip the tags off and put the outfit directly onto baby skipping the initial wash. Once dirty, clothes are washed with the rest of the laundry in whatever detergent is on the shelf.
  

Sleep

• First baby - every decision is weighed on what effect it will have on the baby's future. For example, should I give the baby a pacifier? Should I hold baby for naps? Should I pat baby to sleep? You ask yourself if doing this once will create a habit for baby.
  
• Third baby - you do whatever it takes to get 10 minutes of sleep. It's survival.
  

Feeding Baby

• First baby - you time or record the amount of ounces baby eats. Keeping track of number of dirty and wet diapers. Even creating a database to keep track of all baby's incoming and outgoing food and waste to be sure the baby is getting enough nourishment.
  
• Third baby - you put the boob or bottle in baby's mouth when baby cries.
  

How NOT to care for a baby! Great Pics!!

I came across this blog today and died of laughter at the pictures! It's a must see. My favorite is the mom washing the baby with the hose. I love to use my hose for washing off everything and it just made me laugh because I think I would actually do it. Check it out!!



hipchicagomom musings: How to not care for a baby

Self Induced Labor

I know every mom who has experienced the ninth month of pregnancy has at least googled ways to induce their own labor. Why wouldn't you? There is nothing as desprate in this world as a woman at 39 weeks of pregnancy. What else in the world would make you drink castor oil, give yourself an enema, or try to have sex while as big as a whale? Even the thought of the excruciation pain of labor isn't a deterrant.

I've heard some crazy ways to start labor and at this point, I might be just crazy enough to try some. I'm starting to have that crazed look in my eye.

One of the strangest things I read was to talk to the baby and try to convince her to feel safe enough to come out. The article said to show the baby her room and all the great things so she'll start the hormones of labor. I'm pretty desprite but I'll leave that one until I'm 39 weeks. I'm sure I'll get to the point where I'll be so desprate that I'll start halluscinating and that will be a good approach at that time. It's just too weird in a semi-stable state of mind.

I'm also not sure about drinking certain teas and castor oil. First of all, I don't like going out in public and that seems like another chore for me to hunt down the sacred raspberry tea from some helth store. We currently don't have toilet paper in our house and I'm making due until I NEED to go to the store. I like to lay on my couch now and franklly, I can't keep my pants up anymore and it's too hard to try. So again, that's one I'll save for 39 weeks.

In the mean time, I'll stick to walking, cleaning and staying as active as my droopy pants will allow. Perhaps I'll invent a new way to induce labor and try slipping my Dr. a $100 bill. At least I know that will work.

June Cleaver I Am Not

I am in no way shape or form anything like June Cleaver. I don't wear cocktail dresses. I don't even own a dress currently. I don't cook gourmet meals. I don't mix my husband a martini when he comes home, although probably a good idea. I can't fix all of my kids problems and worries with a quick little chat.
The era of the 1940's and 1950's interests me. Almost every mom was a stay at home mom. They were self-sacrificing and selfless. I can't understand how they survived.

Laugh or Cry?

I was forced to bring my two kids with me to Hobby Lobby to buy two yards of ribbon. That's all I needed. $1.68 worth of ribbon. I thought I could do it without any major incidents. I thought wrong.

We ran inside and I threw my 5 year old and 2 year old in a teeny tiny cart and began to wheel them toward the back of the store. My son thought it was lots of fun to grab at everything that came into his reach. Mind you I'm 35 weeks pregnant and trying to bend over to retrieve those items is next to impossible. After making it to the sewing center and finding my ribbon, I thought we were going to be out of there. That's when my stomach turned on me.

I've had some digestive trouble lately and I felt a churning in my stomach. I decided I was trapped and bolted toward the bathroom. Little did I know that Hobby Lobby has teeny tiny bathroom stalls as well as carts. I somehow wedged myself, extremely pregnant, and my two kids into the stall. The kids were leaning on my lap because there was no room. There were at least two other people in the bathroom to listen to my kids give the play by play of everything I was doing. I heard some chuckles from them outside the stall as my kids asked ridiculous questions about every noise they heard.

I felt myself get hot and my face turn red. I wished myself to be anywhere else but where I was. That was a classic "nanny deprived" moment. It was one of those pivital moments where you can choose to cry or laugh. I did a little of both and pulled myself together.

We got out of the bathroom and paid for my $1.68 ribbon and left. I've never been so happy to get in my car, turn up the kids movie on the DVD player and just have three minutes to myself.

Why Parents Cry at Kindergarten?

I never thought of myself as a overly emotional person. Sometimes I'll catch a little tear fall when my kids do something great like finish a race in swimming, score a goal at soccer or shoot their first basket. But for some reason, the second I drove away from my daughter's first day of Kindergarten drop off, I was bawling. It was a full out sniffling, snorting, sob. My husband was in the car and I hate crying in front of him so I was trying to muffle it which only made it all worse.

Why did I do that? What made me so emotional? My daughter had been going to preschool since she was 3 and I had never reacted like that. What is so special about Kindergarten? Maybe it was how little she looked walking into that big school. Maybe I was feeling all the anticipation she was feeling and wanted to go through it for her. I don't know if it was the thought that she wasn't little anymore or that I no longer had a preschool child. Whatever caused that emotion was powerful and scary. I still haven't figured it out.

Pregnancy Sleep

I don't think the title of this blog actually exists. I think "pregnancy sleep" is an oxymoron - two words which have contradictory meaning. I don't believe any woman who is in her third trimester gets more than 2 hours of sleep at any given time.

I like to think of "sleeping" as dozing while trying to find a comfortable position. I constantly turn back and forth dragging my body pillow and all the sheets with me. When I say turn, I mean using a four point turn to get from one side to the other. It's a series of upper and lower body parts moving while grunting and expending way too much energy just to get to the other side of the bed.
Once I finally doze off the baby starts to move and kick my bladder which sends me to the bathroom. Then it all starts over again.

People have told me this is just Mother Natures way of getting me ready for the baby. I say Mother Nature is a bitch and I'm more than ready for the baby. Bring it on so I can get some sleep.

Momspit - named after the original

I sell a lot of things in my online boutique but my absolute favorite is Momspit. It's ingenious and the company is awesome. I'm a authorized seller of the product and I love it.

As I'm typing this blog entry, I've already had to stop to clean up dog vomit and change the pee filled training pants of my two year old. Really, I can't make this stuff up! It's nice to know that there are products out there that help all the overworked, underpaid moms out there.

I keep a large bottle on my counter for quick cleanups. I'll throw some on my hands while passing through the kitchen because who knows what bacteria and germs are living on my hands minute to minute. I also love the smell and it just feels nice.

I keep a small bottle in my diaper bag which has come in more handy than I can ever explain. It's been a lifesaver over and over. It's perfect for getting that little line of chocolate off of my daughter's lip without using the old fashioned, original Momspit.

Plus, the company is just great. They even lowered their prices once the product became more popular. What company does that?

So go ahead and give it a try. The little bottle will cost you $7.00 and it lasts for a good while. The big bottle is $14 and I still haven't used a whole bottle yet.

Click here: NannyDeprived Momspit to get more info or to order.

Ode to Potty Training

What's the most disgusting job that you really desire to do?
Potty training a child who is three or worse, two.

The cost of those diapers drives you slowly insane,
Messing with the coherent thoughts in your brain.

I could save $516 dollars a year,
If only he didn't have to wear those things on his rear.

So you start the inevitable, the disgusting, the gross,
You buy the potty chair you think he'll like most.

Your spirits are high and everything seems fun
No problem you think, this can easily be done.

And then it begins, the bribing and prodding
Only to turn into moments of sobbing.

Olympic sprinters are not as fast as you
When you've got a child who says he needs to poo.

Your life becomes reminders, nagging and cleanings
And you wonder to yourself if your life has any meaning.

And then the most wonderful day arrives,
The poop in the potty brings a tear to your eyes.

You scream, clap, and yell in delight
The grossness in the potty is the most beautiful sight

The light at the end of the tunnel is near
Soon, no more diapers to buy for his rear.


If you like my poem and want to share, please link to it, don't copy.

Homeschooling - Genius or Insane?

It seems that homeschooling is becoming more and more popular. Maybe I'm just noticing it more because I have a school age child now (sniff, sniff). Right now with Kindergarten looming only a week away, homeschooling seems like a magnificent idea. The thought of throwing my poor scrawny, innocent, adorable little baby into a giant maze-like school scares the bejeebies out of me. The only thing scarier I can think of is spending hours a day working with her one on one.

I'm a former hard working, dedicated elementary teacher. I volunteered to teach the lowest reading groups when we grouped our 4th and 5th grade students by ability level. I loved those kids and I was so patient with them. Each tiny step was momentous to me and a great thrill. I loved to come up with creative ways to teach the most boring lesson.

However I become this insanely driven person when it comes to teaching my own daughter how to simply write her name or practice numbers. It drove me absolutely crazy that she couldn't remember how to count to 20. All of my patience flew out the door once the child became my own. I guess I expect way too much of my own kids. I could never submit them to my craziness to be their sole educator. They'll have to deal with me and my expectations when it comes to homework help and that's enough for me and them. I've even thought of hiring tutors - a job I once did - just to help my kids with homework if it gets to tough on me and them.

I give total credit to those who can teach their own children with normal expectations and lots of patience. I would rather teach 28 strangers kids than one of my own. Kudos to those that do it successfully and are able to be their children's complete teacher. Teaching not only life skills but academics as well.

Is it Time for School Yet?

I counted down the days until school ended this year. I was looking forward to spending the day at the pool with my kids along with other great things I had planned. I couldn't wait to not have to pack any lunches or wait in the car pool lane at school to drop off my kids. Summer sounded so wonderful.

I had planned an RV trip across the country, Vacation Bible School, sleepovers at friends houses, zoo days, gymnastics classes and swim team. Between all these activities I thought we'd spend lazy days at the pool with friends.

And now, I'm counting down the days until school starts. I've never been so exhausted in my life. Carrying three bags of toys, snacks, sunscreen, water and toys to and from the pool every day just to have my kids complain that it's too hot makes me want to scream. I'm constantly running here and there and volunteering at VBS has about killed me.

I've been running my kids ragged trying to keep them entertained and having fun. Meanwhile, I'm finding myself going to bed at 9pm because I can't keep my eyes open. I need a break from my summer break - it's called "school". Come on September - hurry!

Maternity Underwear

If anyone knows of a good, comfortable type of maternity underwear, please let me know about it. I honestly don't think any such thing exists.

Due to the fact that my regular underwear have started to roll up under my expanding tummy. I was forced to go in search of something more flattering for a pregnant body. I stood at Target for at least 20 minutes trying to figure out what size I'd need and what type of cut. I eventually bought a broader cut than I normally wear and one size up.

Once home I took my new undies out and held them up. I have never seen a larger pair of underwear in all of my life. I laughed and thought how ridiculous they were and then my laughter turned to tears as I tried them on and they actually fit like a glove. A year and a half of regular gym workouts shot to hell with 18 weeks of pregnancy.

Who is OSHA and Why Do They Hate Me?

I'd like to know who the hell OSHA is and why they are forcing me to carry around poopy diapers in my $300 Coach bag. What is with this? There was a sign in the bathroom of the haircut place I go to that said "Due to OSHA's work place standards, please take all dirty diapers with you and do not dispose of them here." I've also seen this plastered all over the pediatricians office. I don't understand how they can take fecal tests there but they can't empty a trash can with a dirty diaper in it.

I do know who OSHA is and I understand the rule but come on... I really have to carry dirty diapers around with me? Can't they install those neon red bins that say Hazardous BioHazard Waste just for dirty diapers? As if kids weren't gross enough already. It's bad enough changing the diaper let alone walking around with TWO of them in my bag. Yes, my son felt the need to go twice during the 15 minutes we were away from the house! UGH

Playdates

I've come to the conclusion that every mom needs to be a member of a playgroup with regular play dates.

I remember being invited to my first playgroup almost 4 years ago. I was very excited for my daughter to gain social exposure and to start interacting with her peers. Little did I know that playgroups are an ingenious invention by moms to give not the children, as one would expect, but the mom's themselves social exposure and interaction with her peers.

I learned it wasn't about the kids so much but about the moms. The snacks were geared toward moms - coffee and some sort of chocolate type deal with a small bowl of goldfish or pretzels set aside for the kids. The kids were thrown a bunch of toys to occupy them and the moms sat inside on the couch discussing anything from Hollywood gossip to diaper training experiences. The kids are mainly looked at as a interruption of the conversation.

I was immediately excited and looking forward to my next playgroup. It was even worth cleaning my house to host a playgroup which is always a big undertaking. My adult vocabulary began to come back to me slowly and I learned there were other moms out there as bored and exhausted as I was just looking for some friendship and conversation.

The kids do benefit from this too. I really believe a happy mom equals happy kids. So if you aren't already a member of a playgroup, start your own. Start a Yahoo or Meet Up group for your area and ask other lonely moms you meet at parks to join. You'll be amazed how quick it will take off and how great a play group can be!

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is the one day a year when society has the right mind set. They finally understand how terrific and wonderful moms are and pay them homage as they should. I personally feel moms should be given this attention and tribute every day of the year.

I think bearing a child in my womb should entitle me to 365 days of non-cooking, breakfast in bed and not having to put the kids to bed. Its a sad, sad society in which we live that we are not treated as the highly respected women we are every day.

I do have to say, while visiting the mall the other day I did smile to myself as I watched several fathers pushing strollers with kids throwing tantrums. They were obviously shopping for Mother's Day presents and had to take the kids with them. To me that was a present in itself just watching the fathers sweating while looking at jewelry while rocking the stroller back and forth in their attempt to console the screaming 2 year old inside. I wish I had my camera and could take a picture to send to that mom. That would have been the best present she could have gotten. I would love a picture of my husband in that situation!

Happy Mother's Day to you all! Happy Non-Mother's Day Also!

My Tantrum

I WANT! I WANT! I WANT! That's all I hear anymore. I'm so tired of it. I've been trying for the past three weeks to patiently and nicely ask my children to stop saying I WANT and to say "May I please have..." Yeah, it's not working.

Here's what I WANT:

I WANT to go to the bathroom by myself.
I WANT a maid.
I WANT to drink a beer at 2pm.
I WANT a whole nights sleep.
I WANT my kids to listen to me.
I WANT laundry to disappear.
I WANT to go to Hawaii.

I know none of these are ever going to happen but it's worth a try to put them out there. I know my kids always seem to get what they want when they yell I WANT...

Now that I've had my tantrum I feel much better.

The Difference Between Boys and Girls

I am lucky enough to have both a boy and a girl. I've noticed some major differences in their behaviors, especially how they resolve problems. Let me describe further.

Problem: Hunger
Toddler Girl Response: A toddler girl will whine and complain uttering the word they use for food repeatedly until someone gets annoyed enough to get them what they want.

Toddler Boy Response: A toddler boy would simply find some dirt, toy or pencil to chew on until their hunger passes.

Problem: A Boo-boo
Toddler Girl Response: A high pitched scream amongst the normal crying for added dramatic effect. The toddler girl must make sure everyone nearby can hear and feel her pain.
Toddler Boy Response: Lower the bottom lip and run directly to mommy because only she can make it better.

Problem: A toy or food up high out of reach
Toddler Girl Solution: Scream, whine, throw herself on the floor until someone gets her what she wants. She'll demand an immediate response right away.
Toddler Boy Solution: He'll crawl up onto the garbage can, up onto the counter, across the sink, and get the item himself.

Problem: A dirty diaper
Toddler Girl Response: She'll find an adult and point to her rear screaming and muttering disgustedly. She'll insist they change her at once.
Toddler Boy Response: He'll continue playing - this isn't a problem.

Problem: A broken toy
Toddler Girl Response: She'll insist daddy buys her another one immediately. She'll act as though it was the only toy in the world even if she never played with it.
Toddler Boy Response: Dismantle toy further since it's already broken.

Problem: Clean up time
Toddler Girl Solution: Girls will pretend to be asleep. If that fails, whine, move incredibly slow and make parts of her body go limp while being forced to clean.
Toddler Boy Solution: A boy will throw toys as hard as he can into appropriate boxes and bins all while wearing a little evil smile.

Of course this isn't true for every little boy and girl. I'm sure there are some overly dramatic boys and some daring little girls out there. These are just some of the strange little differences I've noticed in my own household between boys and girls.

The Baby Within

Not only am I Nanny Deprived but I've become uterus deprived as well. The baby within my womb is already complaining, whining, and causing me bodily harm. Not only three months conceived and it's turning into another of my offspring, tantrums and all.

I can feel it in there jumping up and down on my bladder laughing at the discomfort it causes. I like to picture it blinking it's eyes and nodding it's head like on "I Dream of Jeanie" and shooting waves of nausea up at me. Whatever it's doing, it's causing nausea and extreme fatigue which is totally different than my other pregnancies. This has me wondering...has this baby already figured out my weaknesses? Does it know how to overtake me already? Should I change my defense tactics for this one? Is it going to be the worst of my children?

While at the Dr., I was hoping to see a beady eyed little monster on the sonogram picture which would explain everything. Instead it was just a little grape sized blob, waving it's helpless little arm buds. It didn't look to scary but it still has me a bit scared. And the worst part is I have 30 weeks left to wonder about this kid and what it's plotting in there. At least it's good to know it will get along with it's siblings well who are also out to get me.

My Life

My life has gone from:

• High heels to sneakers
• Weekends in Key West to Weekends at Disney World
• Lipstick to Crayons
• Finding the perfect work pants to finding the perfect sweat pants
• Victoria's Secret to Hanes Her Way
• Partying all night to asleep by 10pm
• Dinner at Cheesecake Factory to dinner at McDonald's
• Neusua from hangovers to neusua from pregnancy
• Big Coach bags to little Coach bags ( can't give those up!)
• Jeep Wrangler to Mini-van
• Having a job to having a harder job
• Reading novels to reading picture books
• Shopping at Banana Republic to shopping at Carter's

My life has gone from good to great!

Be the Best Toddler You Can Be

Did you think toddlers were born with the innate techniques to completely stress their moms out? No, of course not. The most stressful toddlers are taught these stress techniques at Nanny Deprived Boot Camp! Reserve your child's spot today.

Enroll your toddler now for these exciting training camps:

How to Bite with Force- A three hour intensive course filled with great tips such as

• How to break skin
• The right way to grind your teeth once you've bit
• How to blame the bite on another child

How to be in the Wrong Place at the Right Time - A multi-session course teaching your toddler how to:

• Stand in front of the door as mom tries to get everything in the car
• Find the busiest place in the kitchen to play as mom prepares dinner
  
• Know the exact stressful moment to demand to be held

The Worst Things You Can do While Having Your Diaper Changed - A mini-session in techniques to teach your toddler ways to ensure no one will ever want to change your child again. Your toddler will be taught:

• How to successfully arch their back while legs are lifted leaving only their head on the ground
• Correct twisting techniques to break mommy's ankle hold
• Where to reach and what to touch to really gross mommy out

The Fine Art of the Perfect Tantrum - This three week long camp will ensure your child will be the BEST at tantrums. We will focus on:

• Tantrums on the Move - How to take off your shoe and throw it at mommy while driving
• Tantrums in Public - How to choose the perfect timing and location to really make an impact
• How to Twist the Knife - Ways to kick mom while she's down

Spots are limited. We at Nanny Deprived will strive to make your toddler the best they can be!

Shamless Plug of My Products

I need to plug some of my products from my baby boutique. These are just too cute and new! I had to share.

I'm going to tell you a secret. Right now there is FREE SHIPPING on these adorable pacifiers. I'm only announcing it here and it's only for a limited time! So hurry up and grab a few! They are perfect to tie onto the top of a baby shower gift with some ribbon.

These paci's are all made in the USA. The words are created with medical grade ink so it is perfectly safe for even those babies who like to chew on the wrong side of their binky! All come with a protective plastic top to keep the nipple clean. Let your little one make a statement before they can even talk!

We have 11 different styles. To see them all, click here. Again, right now there is no shipping charge!

Peeing on a Stick

Watching that little line turn pink on a pregnancy test is the weirdest, most shocking moment in any moms life. To me, this moment was more memorable than the actual birth of my kids. The way you feel is indescribable. I shall try my best at describing my recent discovery of the fact that I am pregnant for my third time.

First of all, you've just finished peeing on a stick which is weird in itself. That aside, watching the test to see if your life is about to change or not is so panic provoking. You feel every second waiting for that test. Next comes the, "Is that a line?" "Is that turning pink?" At this point, your heart starts pounding so loud you can feel it in your ears. You are squinting and focused so intently on that little line. Finally comes the confirmation, "Yep, that's a line!" At this point, I usually check the pregnancy test box again just to double check that two lines mean pregnant. Once that's done and it's confirmed, my emotions go haywire.

I wish I had a camcorder on my face when I had just learned I'm pregnant for my third time. I would have loved to see my enormous smile and very flushed cheeks from the adrenaline rush turn into a panicked look of dread. That's how I felt. My first emotion was pure happiness and joy followed quickly by pure panic and dread. Here are my thoughts as I remember them:

I'm pregnant! I'm going to have a baby! - happy
I'm going to be fat and uncomfortable! - dread
I get to hold a little baby again! - joy
I won't sleep again for a year! - panic
My kids are going to have a baby brother or sister. - happy
My kids are going to have a baby brother or sister.- dread
How's my husband going to take this? - panic
I'm going to have to loose all that weight again! - dread
I get to breastfeed again! - joy
Baby Clothes! - happy
Shopping for baby! - joy
Paying for baby! - dread

All this happened while still sitting on the toilet, pants down, in less than two minutes. My life had changed in a blink of an eye or a drop of some urine.

Next comes the 48 hours of numbness. You can't think of anything else besides the fact that you are pregnant and what's going to happen. I get a little bit stupid and forget anything important during those 48 hours such as taking care of my existing kids.

I remember my 48 hours of numbness with my first pregnancy. I was teaching 5th grade. My poor students had free reading the entire day. I just sat at my desk and looked out the window.

So far, the three moments when I found out I was pregnant with my babies have been the most physically and emotionally memorable and strange moments in my life. This may all change once I have three kids under 6 living with me. I'm sure I'll have some very strange moments then!

Oh man, what have I done? :)

Mary Poppins Diaper Bag

How many of you have friends who carry a Mary Poppins diaper bag? I'm referring to the scene in the movie where Mary comes and pulls anything and everything out of her carpet bag. I've seen moms who must have the same bag. They have any imaginable toy, contraption, medical instrument or snack food known to man inside.

I always feel so inadequate with my diaper bag full of loose fruit loops, three broken crayons, one ruffled diaper and two wipes which are almost dry and shriveled. Don't forget the aroma of my bag - old apple juice that spilled in my pack of tissues.

"Need a toothpick? Oh I happen to have one." "Needle and thread? Right here!" "What's that? Your child only eats spaghetti-o's with meatballs? I have Dora shapes or regular in my bag. Which would they prefer? "

I have friends who carry battery powered mixers to mix up a bottle. Sorry Steph! I've even know moms who have TWO types of band-aids - Princess for girls and Cars for boys. What are these women packing for? It's like they are preparing for the Lewis and Clark Expedition with a an infant.

I remember packing my diaper bag even before I brought my first born home from the hospital. I had travel sizes of every ointment, formula, travel cups, plates and silverware. You name it I had it. Now, I'm lucky if I remember to bring my smelly diaper bag.

I make fun of these over packers now but let me tell ya, the minute there is an emergency situation, I'm making friends with the lady with the biggest diaper bag!

5 Minutes for Mom Blog Party!

Hello, hello! Welcome! I'm so glad you are here. It's been three days since I've had adult conversation and it's really been getting to me. Please come in. Just step over the naked dolls, trains, enormous balls and what not. Come right this way. We were just watching the Yo Gabba Gabba Marathon on Noggin. Can I get you a drink? I have apple juice or Kool-Aid. Unfortunately, I only have sippy cups available. Do you mind? What's that? You have to use the rest room? Sure, just know my 2 year old will need to go with you.

Now that you are here and comfortable let me tell you a little about myself. I'm Amanda, owner of www.nannydeprived.com and author of the Nanny Deprived blog. I'm a stay at home way to much mom (SAHWTMM) to Cinderella 4, and Batman 2 and maybe more on the way- wink, wink. My husband travels a lot and I don't have any family nearby me. Sometimes I get a little nutty.

I'd love to tell you about my website www.nannydeprived.com. You can click the "Home" button to visit my site. It offers moms fun quizzes, quotations about being a mom, monthly story contests which are hilarious, mom facts, and shopping.

If you sign up for my newsletter (on the left sidebar) March 7 - March 14 you'll be elidgable to win a new Cakies Hair Clip. Our newest product. You get to choose your color and style. The winner will be announced in the next Newsletter.

Every Nanny Deprived mom loves a coupon. Please use the code: STORYCONTEST at checkout in the voucher field for %15 off any order!

Thanks for stopping by! It's been so nice to chat. Are you sure you need to leave? Don't you want to stay to finish your Kool-Aid? Please.

Embrace the Insanity of Motherhood

"Embrace the insanity of Motherhood" is the motto of my website and blog. What exactly does it mean? It means choosing to laugh when you really want to just hang your head and cry. It means loving someone so much while wanting to strangle them at the same time. It's holding your sick child all night without any sleep for yourself and being happy and grateful to do it. It's trying not to laugh while scolding your child for saying their first swear word. It's carrying a screaming, kicking, spitting two year old while pushing an empty stroller though the busy mall food court to get to the safety and privacy of your car. It means cooking 5 different dinners so everyone will be happy at dinnertime for once. It's listening to the same knock knock joke, and pretending to laugh, over and over and over. It's becoming immune to stinky, dirty diapers. It's giving up the biggest and best bite of ice cream that you really want to your little one who then spills all over their new shirt.

Embracing the insanity of Motherhood means taking all of this in stride with the occasional meltdown. It means loving your child so much and sacrificing anything for them even though it drives you a little nutty.

What's Wrong with Toys Today?

I don't know what bothers me the most, the fact that toy manufacturers make toys that excrete bodily fluids or that my daughter wants them all. Why do they need to make peeing babies and peeing dogs? Like I don't have enough urine being sprayed all over my house, now I have to buy a pretend Barbie dog that pees too? I already have two real dogs that like to pee in my house but apparently that's not fun enough for my daughter.

I crack up every time I see the Baby Alive baby commercial. They feed the baby and then it suddenly has a geyser-like stream of pretend urine which sprays the real mom in the face who puts her hand up to block herself while smugly laughing. I always think to myself "You deserve it overly fake actress mom, you bought the doll for her - ha!" That mom got what she deserved!

I've also seen the Barbie who has the pooping dog. You think I'm kidding? His name is Tanner. He poops and poor Barbie has to pick it up. My daughter wants that too. I told her I'd give her the poop scooper and she can go out in the backyard and do it for real. She wasn't impressed.

I understand the Barbie and Tanner were recalled. There's a shock. Actually it was for a magnet somewhere. I think Hasbro realized it was a stupid toy. And what exactly does Tanner have in his mouth? That dog must be hungry!

"Your Underwear is Where?"

Have you ever said something that you couldn't believe you said? This happened the other day while I was getting ready for my day of preschool and play dates. I heard my daughter say, "Mom, my underwear is blah blah muffle muffle!" I answered, "Your underwear is where?" and it hit me, did I just really say that? It turned out somehow my daughter was getting dressed on the couch and somehow it ended up here...






I was just starting to feel mature and sophisticated with my new and only piece of art. My father bought it for me for Christmas. It was on sale at the going out of business blowout at Bombay Company. It was the first real piece of art in my house, at least, priced above $19.95 and not from Target. Now here it is with Cinderella underwear on it. All the sophistication in my house wiped away with one kick of my daughter's foot.

Max and Ruby - Abandoned Bunnies at Large

Have you seen the bunnies? Do you know what I'm talking about? Max and Ruby are two bunnies who have a show on Noggin. Ruby is the older (age 7), bossy, more annoying bunny while Max (age 3) is the very quiet, mischevious younger bunny. Someone needs to call DFAC's on Max and Ruby's parents because I think they have run away. (Insert dreamy sigh here)

Ruby has sent Max to the store to buy things. She cooks for Max and just basically bosses him around all day and night. There is a Grandma bunny but she does not live with them and just makes occasional unannounced visits. It's cute with a touch of odd mixed in.

At times, I think my daughter thinks she is Ruby. I've heard her tell my son "You can't play with that in here. That's an outside toy." She sounds exactly like Ruby. It scares me.

You think you've got it rough...I have the 10 episode DVD of Max and Ruby! Now that's sad. Everyone sing with me....Max and Ruby....Ruby and Max....Max and Ruby......Ruby and Max....
(Sigh)

The Best Mommy Product Ever!

We've all done it. Don't deny it. You know you've licked your thumb and wiped your child's face before. The first time I did it I was shocked. "Did I just give my kid a spit bath? Oh yuck, I've turned into my mother." For some unexplainable reason, moms get that overwhelming need to clean dirt, toothpaste, sucker residue or anything else off of their children's face.

When I first found Momspit I knew I had to sell it. It's my favorite product and has, of course, an adorable name. There isn't actually any saliva in it. I've been asked that for those of you saying, "well duh." It is a cleanser without harsh chemicals, safe to use on babies. There is no need for water as it blends into skin leaving it soft and lightly scented. It's great for times when you don't have a sink, washcloth, scouring pad or whatever else may be needed to tidy up your children or yourself. The best thing about it is the scent. It comes in three: Green Tea and Fig (my personal favorite), White Tea and Lemon, and Unscented. Not only do you get to remove the toothpaste spittle in the car while waiting in line for drop off, but you get to make you kids smell a bit better too.

Here are some examples of times when you can use Momspit:

1) Grocery shopping when you son spits a chewed sample of cookie out onto your wrist.
2) In the gym, after you pick your kids up from the playroom.
3) After entertaining your kids at the gas station by making faces through the dirty window while the gas pumps.
4) When you've had no choice but to change your child's diaper in the back of the car.
5) While you clean out your car or your child's car seat.


It's a great product to have in your diaper bag, car, gym bag and anywhere else you may need a waterless cleaner. If you'd like to purchase some, I'd be happy to sell you some! Follow this link: http://www.nannydeprived.com/item_97/MomSpit.htm

My New Mommy Fashion Statement

My husband and I didn't opt for the fancy automatic opening side door when we bought our mini-van. Honestly, I didn't understand the point of only one side opening and thought it was stupid. Now that I have children in pre-school, I understand it makes it easy to dispense of your children quickly.

My passenger side rear door has become encased in apple juice and is impossible to open. The seals are as sticky as my kitchen floor and it takes me pulling all my weight and tugging several times to get the door open.

The other day I was dressed in my usual best to drop my daughter off at pre-school. I of course had my sweat pants on and favorite t-shirt from college (9 years old). I was also sporting my new fuzzy blue slippers my mom got me for Christmas. Thanks mom. I looked my normal, mom best.

It was my turn in the car pool line to deposit my child at school. The poor teacher tugged on my door and then looked through the window at me waiting for me to push the button that would automatically open the door. Because I didn't have that button, and I really didn't want to torture the underpaid teacher by making her try to open my door, I had to quickly jump out, run around and yank the door open, holding up all the moms behind me.

It gets better. Another teacher needed to talk to me so they diverted the line of cars around me while I spoke to the teacher about an upcoming PTA event. So there I was in my mommy best, talking face to face to another teacher while all the moms went around me.

When I got back in the safety my van already mortified, I quickly checked my mirror to make sure no one was behind me when I caught a glimpse of something on my head. I did a double take I saw a huge crumpled up Bambi sticker stuck on the top right section of my hair. Oh it was very large and extremely noticeable. How it got there, God only knows. I'm sure everyone in line and the teacher had to have noticed my lovely sticker. The only saving grace is that all those people who saw me are moms too and have probably at one time had some sort of sticker stuck in their hair in an embarrassing situation. At least I like to believe that.

My Son Failed Gymboree

My son and I had to drop out of Gymboree. Why, you may ask? Well I didn't feel it appropriate for me to pay money for my son to hug other moms. That's all he would do. He was either hugging all the moms or sitting in the brightly colored inner tubes. I couldn't get him out of there. Not even Gymbo the scary Clown, signing or all the bubbles in the world would pull him away from the red, green and blue inner tubes stacked on top of each other. It was his own little world in there. Or perhaps he was escaping- not sure. So I would stand there talking to him, playing peek-a-boo for almost 45 minutes trying not to look weird.

It's funny because this was a few months ago that we dropped out. We just went back to Gymboree for a friends birthday party and my son made a bee line to the tubes. I thought he would have forgotten those but there he sat. He did do better this time around. He even popped a few bubbles and rode the parachute.

Maybe I'll sign him up for remedial Gymboree. Do they offer that?

Dora and Diego - A Mom's Point of View

What is it about Dora and Diego that makes my kids mezmorized and hungry for more? I'll admit the show is somewhat educational. My son interacts and seems to learn from it. And I do like the growl Baby Jaguar makes. But Dora's voice make me want to hit my head on the wall. Why is she always yelling? And what's wrong with the size and shape of her head? I also totally feel Diego under-utilizes his rescue pack. I mean, come on, it can turn into anything! What kind of parents let their child run through the jungle with a baby jaguar rescuing animals? Finally, to end my ranting, I must say, whoever wrote the song the Map sings from Dora needs to be shot.

When I first had my daughter, I forbid my relatives to buy any Dora toys, accessories, pajamas, and everything else that was plastered with Dora's face. I just didn't like how she couldn't control the volume of her voice. And now, as I type, I look at my computer desk, covered in Diego fruit snack wrappers and small Diego and Boots figures. My daughter has Dora PJ's, slippers and a blankets. We have Leggos, books, and DVD's with Dora and Diego. We just went to see Go, Diego, Go Live and I was suckered into spending $30 in Diego light toys. I'm not kidding, $15 each! Dora and Diego have overtaken my house and life. I'm up to my knees in Boots...the monkey.

So much to my dismay, I now know every character of Dora and Diego. I know what time it's on on every channel. I've seen each episode and can sing every song. When I first had children I refused to jump on the Dora and Diego bandwagon. Little did I know I was going to be tossed head first onto that bandwagon. I guess as long as my kiddos continue to talk in a normal voice and don't run off to the Jungle, I'm ok with it. After all, my life is all about them!

Designer Moms

I'm a mom. I'm not savvy, posh, haute, chic or any other adjective trying to make me feel sophisticated. How can I feel sophisticated with a tissue in my pocket covered in boogers? I don't wear high heels or fancy scarfs or even expensive sunglasses. I wear jeans. Just jeans everyday. I only go to the grocery store, Home Depot or on fancy days,
Petsmart. I wear what makes me feel comfortable because it's hard to play dress up, fight bad guys, or watch Noggin while wearing designer clothes.

We've all seen them. The perfect moms at the mall. Wearing beautiful clothes, with perfect hair and makeup. Toting the perfect child behind them obediently. Of course they have the perfect stroller with matching diaper bag, burp cloths, and everything else.

Then there are the moms like myself. In a daze, dragging children behind them apologizing to everyone for their behavior. Most of the time I forget my diaper bag in the car or may have one crinkled diaper and a wet napkin on hand. My K-mart stroller is a mess with chocolate and ice cream smeared all over it.

I'm not knocking those moms out there who are posh and chic. I give them much respect. It must be extremely hard to keep themselves looking so nice while taking care of a little one. I honestly don't know how they can do it. But a little part of me - the evil part - wants to see their perfect child throw up all over their perfect clothes. Just once.

New Products - New Partner

Nanny Deprived is proud and excited to announce that we have partnered up with Polkadot Papoose to sell their hand made slings. If you haven't seen them, you need to right away!

Polkadot Papoose offers beautiful fabric combinations and supurb workmanship for all of their slings. Each sling is named after a heroine from several famous great books. Each has two complimentary fabrics which makes all the slings fully reversible. A pacifier pocket is sewn onto both sides of the sling so you can always reach that all important binky.

These slings are wonderful for getting jobs done while caring for your little one. Babies are even able to breastfeed while snug inside the papoose! Be sure to see these beautiful slings in our store or at www.polkadotpapoose.com!

Cleaning a Car Seat

Have you ever cleaned out a car seat? I mean really took everything apart, unscrewed and cleaned? I guess this is something that should be done more frequently than every 4 years. I must have missed that section in the Mommy Handbook.

Sure, I've vacuumed them out before but I've never took everything out and threw the fabric in the wash. It was extremely disgusting and difficult. There are no words to describe the appearance of a 2 year old, half- eaten animal cracker or a decaying Mike and Ike as it lays on your kitchen floor. Once again, I'd like to give a shout out to the manufactures of the Dust Buster.

Whenever any type of food lands on the floor in our kitchen, we immediately call one of our dogs over. My daughter discovered me sitting on the floor trying desperately to pry the car seat fabric from the shell and she called the dog over to eat the pile of debris off the floor. Now, I've seen my dog eat some really disgusting things before, too gross to mention here, but I just couldn't let her eat this. Some of that food had been in the darkest crevices of the car seat and probably hadn't seen the light of day in years.

To make matters worse, I have a bored 4 year old and a hungry dog sniffing around as I begin to become extremely agitated by the difficulty of removing the car seat cover. Of course my daughter thinks this is a good time to sit in the car seat. After shooing her and the dog away, I throw my hands up in despair and give up. Because I would need a screwdriver, I decide it's a job for my husband.

After much cursing by my husband, the fabric liner sits in the washing machine, clean for the moment. I'm sure after 10 am tomorrow it'll be covered in pop tart crumbs and cheese-itz. My conscience is clear for the moment. I've been a good mommy. At least I won't have to do it again for another 4 years.

Rainy Days = Stupidity

We've had a few rainy days lately. It's hard to try to find things to keep my kids entertained when they can't go outside. When my daughter mentioned "play-doh" I of course cringed and a shiver went through my body. But since there was nothing else to do, and I knew a tantrum was going to make an appearance if I said no, I decided to give in and get out the bag of play-doh.


I moved the little table to the only non-carpet area of my house and opened all the little tubs. I then tried to make my escape to the computer. After listening to 5 minutes of repetitive "Help me, Ma" from my 2 year old I threw in the towel, pulled up a chair way to tiny for my rump, and dug into the play-doh.

I hate to admit it, but I kind of got into it for a few minutes. We made a mouse house for my daughter complete with sectional couch, TV, table and fridge. She dug it! I was the coolest mom for awhile. But then Go, Diego, Go came on and everyone left me sitting at a tiny table covered with bits of play-doh scattered about. I had to pick it all up which is no fun at all. It's impossible to get out of carpet! Thank God for my dust buster.

DVD Players in Shopping Carts for Kids!?

Have you seen them? They are all the buzz of suburban moms in Atlanta. Those enormous, giant, brightly colored, very loud, very hard to push shopping carts that have a DVD player built in. Oh yes! The kids ride below and are almost enclosed inside a bubble of loud Barney mayhem.

I had heard of them and even made my husband do a drive by of a Publix on our way home from a restaurant because I could see them inside. I just had never "experienced" one of them until the other day.

I needed to go to Publix instead of my ordinary grocery store. One of my friends told me Lean Cuisine dinners were on sale at 50% off. A deal too good to pass up even though it meant I'd have to bring the kids with me. A fate normally worse than death.

As soon as we walked into the store, the carts were there right in front of us. It was like the sky had opened up and a beam of light shown down on them. I think angels were singing somewhere amidst the chaos. Before I could even think about it, or try to think of a reason to persuade my kids the bright signing carts weren't any fun, they were buckled inside the "Barney" cart pushing all the buttons. What could I do but hang my head in defeat and dig out a dollar to put into the machine which would unlock the cart.

Once in the store, I immediately felt horribly stupid trying to push a very awkward, very purple, very loud cart with two crazy, excited kids inside. All this for some frozen boxed dinners?

I decided I might as well enjoy the peace. I must say, one good thing was the fact that I could barely see or hear my kids. From the front I could see them but that required me to walk around and bend down to ask what was wrong. While I was trying to push, I could see their lips moving through the bubble but couldn't make out what they were saying. For the most part, the kids were content.

You should have seen the stares I was getting trying to turn that monstrosity around the corners. It didn't help to have the Barney Song playing extremely loud. I definitely saw looks of pity from some businessmen trying to buy lunch from the deli.

Finally, I picked out the last of my groceries and went to the counter. Now the kicker is that you can't take these special carts outside. So while I was trying to pay, I had to remove my screaming 2 year old from the large cart and put him in a very boring old buggy. It was chaos. I almost left without my groceries I was so confused. Three people were coming at me with carts and taking the Barney cart away while I was prying my son's hands from it. At this point, I would gladly have paid 3 times as much for a Lean Cuisine to not be in this situation.

An unhappy, screaming child in an old boring buggy, or the enormous, awkward Barney cart... which is the lesser of two evils? I'm still not decided on that one!

SALE - Personalized Roll Neck Sweater for Baby!

Baby It's Cold Outside!!

Be sure to check out our great Personalized Roll Neck Sweater in our baby boutique! It's such an adorable product and a great gift for a newborn or a 1st birthday. Choose from pink, natural or navy blue and customize it the way you want.

Nanny Deprived has these soft and adorable sweaters on sale for a short period! Regularly $45.00 -- Now $35.00! We at Nanny Deprived want to warm up your baby with a great sweater!