Thursday, February 25, 2010

This is an Emergency

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. This is NOT a test. This is an actual emergency of the Nanny Deprived Broadcast System.

My microwave has died. I know this because it keeps making zapping noises every other second followed by the smell of burning electrical wires. Then it normally shuts off after 5 seconds. I can only assume that means it's done. I'm guessing.

How will I make mini pancakes, chicken nuggets, lean pockets and my Smart Ones for dinner? What about the Easy Mac? How will my kids survive without Easy Mac? More importantly, how will I warm up my coffee? I feel so lost. Like a warm good friend has left me.

"Marge, isn't there anything faster than a microwave?" - Homer Simpson

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Bloggers gone mad

It seems like everyone blogs nowadays..and some people are making a KILLING at it. Normally, when someone strikes it big unexpectedly, I would say "Good for them- they worked for it". However, it seems like more and more people are "striking it big" with very little effort.
This came to mind recently when I was watching HGTV and saw that Heather B Armstrong- creator of is getting her own show. How does writing about motherhood and post-partum depression parlay into a show on HGTV???? Isn't her genre better suited for TLC or Lifetime? I mean- any one of us moms could easily make a whole show about our lives. Mine would go as follows "Candy wakes up to screaming baby, nurses screaming baby, allows contented baby to claw and whack at older daughter so she wakes up for school, makes daughters lunch, makes coffee, watches TV and unloads dishwasher.." It wouldn't last for more than the premiere episode. What makes this womans life more watch-able? Don't get me wrong but- just because you can string some words together in a funny blog does not a television star make. Would people watch a show starring you?
And another blogger on my "list" is Perez Hilton. I love his catty gossip and nasty banter. I adore the ridiculous rumors and general trickery. Until Friday night.
I decided that I was going to his party at Lavo Nightclub in the Palazzo Hotel and Casino. His blog claimed "Come party with us!" and I'm all "I want to go meet Perez Hilton!!" Nevermind that I have never "clubbed" in Vegas nor knew what I was getting myself into. I bought a semi attractive dress at Burlington Coat Factory (yup..I'm classy like that) and put a ton of makeup on. Since I couldn't find another Mommy friend to go out with me at midnight-- I took my mom. mom and I went clubbing in Vegas. We get there...and get in line. Bouncers are walking up and down the line, looking for women about 10 years younger than me and 100 pounds lighter. We were CLEARLY out of our the fat kids waiting to be picked for dodge ball. About a half hour in line and we were allowed "upstairs". Upstairs was probably a really beautifully decorated club, but you couldn't appreciate it due to the smoke and MASSIVE amount of people smashed together with strobe lights. Thank God I'm not epileptic.
Anyway- through the smoky haze- there was Perez Hilton sitting next to Holly Madison (from Girls Next Door) and some other people I didn't recognize. Well- what I didn't see was a velvet rope. That rope might as well have been plexiglass for all the interaction Perez and Holly had with their "fans". Girls were waving, smiling, making little "come here" motions to them for a photo....and they acted like the fans didn't even exist. I wanted to yell "If you didn't have fans- you wouldn't be famous because you haven't done anything fame worthy!!!" But- you would have never been able to hear me. Hell, I couldn't hear myself...or my mom (who went to wait for me in the hallway...she couldn't take the chaos.) So, I rudely snapped some photos of them- because there were no "No photographs of the exhibit" signs and left. Sorely disappointed.
We here at Nanny Deprived are not "too big for our britches". Hell...I don't even think I really qualify for britches because I haven't blogged enough to earn them. But if I do ever earn some- can be darn sure I will take photos and sign autographs until the sun comes up. Isn't that the right thing to do?

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Did I Really Just Say That?

I've been working on this post for awhile now. I just keep adding to it as I say these horrific things. I'm sure everyone has a few of these they can recall.

Things I've Actually Said as a Mommy:

Why are your panties up there and how did you get them up there?

There's no crying in the Jumparoo!

Pee Pee goes in the potty, not on the wall.

I'm pretty sure the dog does not like wearing tutus.

Please just make faces at the baby for 5 minutes so I can get dressed.

Me to stranger: Can you please hold my baby so I can wipe my son's butt?

Keep it up and we'll be at the ER tonight.

Your Pee Pee (penis) is not invited to the dinner table.

Let's stop singing songs about death.

At least you fell on your knee and not your face.

Hurted is not a word.

This is my favorite episode of SpongeBob!

Do you have any "Did I just say that" moments you can recall?